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Birthday
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!" "Hello knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!" Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"
Billy Bob's First Time
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure too." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
Dig It
Two privates stationed at a fort were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" "This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We're diggin' a grave for this mule." "Donkey!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass." An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."
Feels Great
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great". The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina."
Worst Week Of His Life
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life." "What happened?" asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!" "You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!" "How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!" "You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture mens' wear..."
Hummm
HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK
I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.
HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM
WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.
HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP
AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.
I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED
WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.
HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE
ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.
HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF
I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.
THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE
SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.
AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY
THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.
Good Luck
Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of then were pregnant!"
Beer Bottles
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
A panda goes into a bar and grill and orders a sandwich. As soon as he finishes the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. The panda then gets up to leave when the bartender shouts at him, "Where do you think you're going? You can't just order a meal, kill the waiter, and then walk right out of here like that!"
The panda says, "Hey, buddy, I'm a panda! I think you'd bettter look up what that means."
And the panda walks out. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up "panda." panda - n. A large marsupial native to southeastern
Asia with distinctive black and white markings.
Eats shoots and leaves.
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With good help from local artists.